Who am I?

I get up at 9AM every day. After checking my phone, and texting ‘Good Morning’ to my friends and my crush (who of course doesn’t give a damn about me!), I pick up a notebook and go to the college. After attending the boring classes, I sit in the canteen or in the bike stand, and discuss stuffs ranging from who is the most beautiful celebrity, to who is the sexiest guy/girl in the college. We also talk about the teachers, make fun of their accent, and in the end tell, “What else can be done?” Then we return back home, after spending some beautiful time with our friends, because these days will be engraved in the memories. I sleep for two or three hours in the noon, and then play cricket in front of my hostel. Then we discuss about the game, how I could have played better, and then go on and watch some YouTube videos, even sharing some in WhatsApp. Getting bored, I go to the adjacent rooms, and discuss stuffs with people there. After that, I call up some people and talk with them about what I want to do in my life, how that guy was having an affair with this girl first, but now is having an affair with the other, how dare that guy ignore me today, and such stuffs. Then, after having dinner, I have a chat with my mates, and then play some games up to midnight. Then, I talk with some people in WhatsApp, share some memes on Facebook, and watch some videos or a movie. At 3 or 4 in the morning, I post INSOMNIA as my status in both Instagram and WhatsApp, because of course, people should know that I was up till late in the night, and then go to sleep. (I even watch porn some of the days.)

Seems pretty normal, right? That’s pretty much what every college goer does, because of course, some great person once said, “Make memories, because these are the things that will actually be of some help in the future.” Needless to say, sleeping is the new trend; and of course, who reads those boring books anyway? I was continuing to live my life as a ‘cool’ college goer, until my father asked me something, which hit really hard.
My father allowed me to pursue my own goal, and said, “If you think choosing this will help you to achieve your dreams, and would make you who you have always wanted to be, then who am I to stop it?” He never interfered in my studies, provided me with everything and anything I asked him for (he gave me earphones worth two grand, when his own earphone is damaged), and defended me whenever anyone doubted me. After 3 years, he asked me yesterday, “Do you think that with the efforts that you are currently putting is taking you a step closer towards your goal?” I stammered while telling him that indeed it was! Then I sat back and thought, am I really doing anything to achieve my goals? Is this what I had thought I would be when I would grow up? If the 9 years back me would travel ahead in time and see me today, will he be satisfied that he has come many steps closer towards his goal?

I really became an insomniac thinking all these. The question of ‘Can I still?’ continuously lingered around my head. I felt that I’m letting down not only my parents and well-wishers, but even myself. The question of who I was and who I wanted to be kept on piercing my mind like a pin. Did I really enjoy what I was doing then? I felt ashamed to even look into the mirror. Now I really understood what my best friend used to tell me, i.e., to give personal time to myself. At that time, I had thought why should I give personal time to myself? It would be a wastage of time. But, in the end you would realize that it was the personal time that helped you scrutinize your life and, actually, know yourself better. Am I confusing you? How will you know your own self better? Well, here’s the thing. Believe it or not, there are many versions of your own self that you present to your world. The self that you present to your own people, the self that you present to others, and also, the self that you really are, and you keep on improving every day.

I have all sorts of insecurities and negativities stuck up in my mind. I keep on comparing myself with others, judging my capabilities through others’ achievements. I get jealous when some people achieve something I could not, or they buy many costly devices which I won’t get the permission to buy. And of course, there  has always been the pressure of being ‘perfect’ in front of others, so that it would create a good impression in the minds of them. I also sometimes have to take care of my ego, which gets hurt very easily. But, am I really who I always wanted to be? Is this the same person that I come across in the mirror every day? What is his original identity? I many times hide my jealousy, so as to project a good image of myself in front of others. But is that all? I had a conversation with my inner self, who was in a critical condition, and I promised him that I would work to make myself better, not artificially, but from the inside.

We had a conversation on various issues, starting from the ‘image’ to even my dreams. After a conversation of 3-4 hours, late in the night, we came to a conclusion, where I needed to follow a set of instructions. Some of the star-marked things which we decided was that I would give my dreams the first priority, because that is the most important thing that matters in my life; everything else is secondary. Secondly, I should not pretend for the sake of impressing others. I’m what I’m and I should present myself perfectly; that doesn’t mean that I’d be rude and never accept or work on my flaws. I’m imperfect, and I’m proud of being so; but I’ll try and keep on ameliorating my way to my goal through continuous effort and hard work. Because without hard work, nothing has ever been possible. Maintain a healthy relationship with people; what is there to be jealous of them? It’s okay for them to excel in things which I cannot achieve, I need to follow my own dreams; It’s entirely okay that some people have the flair of having multiple conversations with others, and thus they connect well with people while I don’t. It’s entirely okay if people call me nerd, at least I’m gaining something, which they know they never can.

Just for the sake of the outside world, it would be unfair to suppress my own personality, and carry someone else’s identity. Also, remember another thing: Knowledge is the most important thing in the world. Knowledge keeps the world growing. Knowledge is what differentiates between an actress, who is in films due to her father, who couldn’t answer a simple question, and a chef in the Government’s midday meal program for schools, who won crores only due to her knowledge. I should love myself for who I’m, and also, I shouldn’t get diverted from my goal. Because people having no goals in life will always try to bring me down. I have to prove them wrong. Whatever I’ve achieved and whatever I’m going to achieve, it is not because of my well-wishers, who would support me whatsoever; but for those people who tried to bring me down. If a person calls your goal impossible, you have to work hard and prove that guy wrong.

We all have an inspiration inside us; we just sometimes need to look into the mirror and converse with the person standing on the other side. Because if you don’t realize things when the ball is in your court, and change things now, achieving your goal will become impossible, and you will also lose your self-identity. Opportunities come in front of us, but we pay no heed towards them, only to regret in the end. Sometimes, when you are diverted from your usual path, and look up to someone for inspiration, you need to remember this: There is no greater an influencer in the world than you. Be you-That’s the only identity that matters.